Running into a new year

Lately I've been waking up with a jolt at 4 in the morning. It's not quite horror movie-clockwork, but my eyes pop open - slowly adjusting to the room's gloom and the soft glow of London's light pollution through the gap in the curtains. The body is unmotivated to do more than flip over, angling my phone just so. It's now possible to doom-scroll through viral TikTok recipes and AI-generated animal Ring camera videos in peace without disturbing my other half with the backlight. Every year during Betwixtmas, my anxiety hits a peak: god, what have I even done this year? Often, his deep breathing is the soundtrack that soothes me into a precious few more hours of sleep. He's alive. He's at rest. I adore him, and that's enough for me.

A few weeks ago, my friends Oli, Jordan and I were catching up over crispy egg noodles at Speedboat Bar. All three of us have had a challenging Year of the Wood Snake - career setbacks, house moves, health woes, relationships ending. Grief. We've always held on tightly to each other, like otters holding hands in the water for comfort. Jordan will be travelling soon, so Oli and I chatter away bombarding him with recommendations: oh don't go there, it's super touristy and people will try to feed you bugs, definitely go on the riverboat, rooftop bars are always a good idea.

Looking at the two of them, it hits me that we're growing older together. My dad always told me the 30s-40s are the toughest years - all the responsibilities, none of the wisdom. There's no instruction manual for contentment, only the pressure of the various ladders society tells us to climb. The urge to comply is stronger than ever at 32, and I'm grateful to my two friends for helping me be brave enough to stay the course.

I've always been of the opinion milestones like marriage, house-buying, and children need to be things I truly want, regardless of what is expected of me to achieve. The timing needs to feel true, and every inch of me, down to the atom, needs to be sure.

The hardest part of this year has been the feeling of total paralysis. I've been frozen in place in a state of desire for little ones (seeing my beautiful friends and their newborns and tearing up because my favourite people will be amazing parents. The smell of a baby's head, their warmth against me as I get to hold them, watching them figure out they have fingers for the first time) and fear (what if I fall apart without family nearby? What if I'm a shit mum? What if my body is never the same again? What if I get baby brain so bad I can't work? What if I can't have kids and that would be the worst thing of all?)

So, it turns out the biggest lesson of the year is I can never truly be sure, not about this. But, I can do my best to thaw myself out. I've been trying to move more, walk more steps and stretch my body and literally shake it all out if I need to. This summer I started zipping around on Lime bikes and doing contrast therapy sauna and ice plunges to develop a better connection with the skin that I'm in. The therapy journey continues, now with an Eastern European lady called Marina who echoes all the ones who came before telling me, "Brenda, you're way too hard on yourself."

With a slowly melting heart then I choose to give myself grace for my trespasses. So, forgive me readers, (as I'm trying to do myself) for missed Whatsapps, ghosted invitations, and stillness when action was the more appropriate course. I'm not sure if I'm quite ready to run, but I'm finally on my way.

i am running into a new year
and the old years blow back
like a wind
that i catch in my hair
like strong fingers like
all my old promises and
it will be hard to let go
of what i said to myself
about myself
when i was sixteen and
twentysix and thirtysix
even thirtysix but
i am running into a new year
and i beg what i love and
i leave to forgive me

—Lucille Clifton

P.S. 2025 notable moments

My friend Bryn beat cancer 🥊
My friend Cat had her first baby 👶
I met a turtle snorkelling off Perhentian Island 🐢
My dear ones Nick, Alistair, Jordan, Oli, Sky and I started playing Dungeons and Dragons 🐉 and Alistair started dungeon-mastering for the first time
I hung out with my sister-in-law Ciara's five Shiba Inu foster puppies on Boxing Day and they were all little shits but way too cute 🐶
The annual hike Nick and I do in Crete every year? We cracked sub-three hours for the first time ever. 🚶‍♀️
Our friends Colan & Lucy and Emi & Dan and Maya & Jake got married this year and I cried at every single wedding ⛪
I went on not one, but two Jack the Ripper walking tours for some reason 🔪
I got my first tattoo 🦊 matching my dad who got his first tattoo just before me 🐰 (Christine my sister got her first two tattoos too!)
I visited both Vienna and Athens for the first time this year and got my mind blown by culture and history 🌏
I ate at some incredible new restaurants, and got really into dirty martinis 🫒
Finally, my dad got me a bicycle helmet after everyone told me off. ⛑️